Time for a midnight update post. 🙂
Summer 2017 has been pretty great so far… I have been working A LOT of hours (and at different pharmacies, at that!), spending time with friends and family, researching different volunteer options and planning a trip to Iceland! Spiritually, I finally feel like things are looking up again. I have had so many opportunities to read, reflect and spontaneously think of my future, while also making sure to truthfully live in the moment.
Anybody that knows me well knows that I am a planner and have always had a timeline in my head of how I want my life to go. For most of my life, I dreamed that I would graduate college, get married to my soulmate, and have my first baby at 24. (HA..!) Considering that I am 23 years old, single and will definitely be in college for at least another 2 years, those odds are slim. It’s funny how things don’t happen how you want/expect them to.
…but sometimes it really is for the best. For awhile, it really bummed me out that things were crashing down and not happening in the order that I hoped for. I’d experienced a lot of depression and anxiety for a long time because of it. However, it really taught me that (most) things are out of our control. Somewhere in the downfall, it made me also realize that life would be meaningless if we knew what and when things were going to happen. For the first time ever, lately, I actually feel like I am living in faith; trusting that what’s ahead is beyond my control.
Two recent events are shaping my faith:
- Getting my rejection letter to nursing school in April had me down for awhile. Self doubt crept up on me: “Are you sure you even want to be a nurse?” “I must not be smart enough to become a nurse.” “What do the other candidates have that I don’t?” “I’ll never get into nursing school.” These questions haunted me for weeks. Eventually, I rerouted my mental thinking to “How can I be a stronger candidate next time I apply?” “My desire to be a nurse is stronger now.” “I want to put my all into this.” The rejection had me down but ultimately, it made me a better person.
- Going through this breakup with my ex-fiance has brought up all kinds of feelings. We broke up in late February, didn’t talk for a month and then he came back into my life with an “I miss you” text. Although I was on the path to healing a little bit, I was still weak and ready to talk to him again. We started talking again and it was almost as if we hadn’t broken up at all… However, it just didn’t feel right. We talked and hung out for those 2 months and then last week decided that we both needed to be alone for awhile. I say this brings up many feelings because: 1) The breakup itself has made me reflect on what he means to me. For a long time, I questioned whether he was “The One”…I couldn’t ever decide how I felt so this heavily strained our relationship. I spent so much time analyzing my feelings that I couldn’t even put my all into the relationship anymore. On top of that, I started feeling like maybe he wasn’t The One since I was even asking myself those questions in the first place. 2) Having this time alone has allowed me to reflect on what lifestyle I want to have (single and independent? married with kids?)…. and downright whether I want marriage/kids/etc. period. I have decided that I do, in fact, want those things, just in the far future. Although I am still learning with this event in my life, I am learning that we don’t have to know the outcome of every little thing. I am becoming a better person through this by learning to love myself and refusing to let a relationship be an all-consuming, stressful part of my life.
My relationship with God has grown a lot over these past few months. I’ve been praying for guidance, strength, wisdom and peace, and with each day that passes, I am becoming more and more accepting of my life and how it is turning out….. even if I don’t know all of the answers. 🙂
From me to you: If you are going through difficult times, experiencing doubt and confusion, and/or not feeling good enough…. Pray. Meditate. Be kind to yourself. Trust your journey. Enjoy the good times and persist through the bad ones. Become empowered by your resilience. Grow.