Life

“It’s not faith if you use your eyes…”

Time for a midnight update post. 🙂

Summer 2017 has been pretty great so far… I have been working A LOT of hours (and at different pharmacies, at that!), spending time with friends and family, researching different volunteer options and planning a trip to Iceland! Spiritually, I finally feel like things are looking up again. I have had so many opportunities to read, reflect and spontaneously think of my future, while also making sure to truthfully live in the moment.

Anybody that knows me well knows that I am a planner and have always had a timeline in my head of how I want my life to go. For most of my life, I dreamed that I would graduate college, get married to my soulmate, and have my first baby at 24. (HA..!) Considering that I am 23 years old, single and will definitely be in college for at least another 2 years, those odds are slim. It’s funny how things don’t happen how you want/expect them to.

…but sometimes it really is for the best. For awhile, it really bummed me out that things were crashing down and not happening in the order that I hoped for. I’d experienced a lot of depression and anxiety for a long time because of it. However, it really taught me that (most) things are out of our control. Somewhere in the downfall, it made me also realize that life would be meaningless if we knew what and when things were going to happen. For the first time ever, lately, I actually feel like I am living in faith; trusting that what’s ahead is beyond my control.

Two recent events are shaping my faith:

  1. Getting my rejection letter to nursing school in April had me down for awhile. Self doubt crept up on me: “Are you sure you even want to be a nurse?” “I must not be smart enough to become a nurse.” “What do the other candidates have that I don’t?” “I’ll never get into nursing school.” These questions haunted me for weeks. Eventually, I rerouted my mental thinking to “How can I be a stronger candidate next time I apply?” “My desire to be a nurse is stronger now.” “I want to put my all into this.” The rejection had me down but ultimately, it made me a better person.
  2. Going through this breakup with my ex-fiance has brought up all kinds of feelings. We broke up in late February, didn’t talk for a month and then he came back into my life with an “I miss you” text. Although I was on the path to healing a little bit, I was still weak and ready to talk to him again. We started talking again and it was almost as if we hadn’t broken up at all… However, it just didn’t feel right. We talked and hung out for those 2 months and then last week decided that we both needed to be alone for awhile. I say this brings up many feelings because: 1) The breakup itself has made me reflect on what he means to me. For a long time, I questioned whether he was “The One”…I couldn’t ever decide how I felt so this heavily strained our relationship. I spent so much time analyzing my feelings that I couldn’t even put my all into the relationship anymore. On top of that, I started feeling like maybe he wasn’t The One since I was even asking myself those questions in the first place. 2) Having this time alone has allowed me to reflect on what lifestyle I want to have (single and independent? married with kids?)…. and downright whether I want marriage/kids/etc. period. I have decided that I do, in fact, want those things, just in the far future. Although I am still learning with this event in my life, I am learning that we don’t have to know the outcome of every little thing. I am becoming a better person through this by learning to love myself and refusing to let a relationship be an all-consuming, stressful part of my life.

My relationship with God has grown a lot over these past few months. I’ve been praying for guidance, strength, wisdom and peace, and with each day that passes, I am becoming more and more accepting of my life and how it is turning out….. even if I don’t know all of the answers. 🙂

From me to you: If you are going through difficult times, experiencing doubt and confusion, and/or not feeling good enough…. Pray. Meditate. Be kind to yourself. Trust your journey. Enjoy the good times and persist through the bad ones. Become empowered by your resilience. Grow.

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Life, Uncategorized

Summer 2017 Bucket List

  • Travel out of the country
  • Do volunteer clinical work
  • Learn and master a song on guitar
  • Continue my fitness journey
  • Hike a challenging trail
  • Go to the beach
  • Find an interesting book and get into reading
  • Study and retake the T.E.A.S. exam
  • See a waterfall
  • Work and make money
  • Go indoor rock climbing
  • Get a pedicure
  • Have my own themed photoshoot
  • Go swimming
  • Watch a sunset and/or sunrise
  • Cook something new
  • Bake some treats to share
  • Discover new bands/music
  • Go disc golfing
  • Day trip to a local city
  • Visit the mountains
  • Host a girls’ night at my place
  • Go kayaking and/or white water rafting
  • Go over anatomy text for next semester
Life

Finding Peace

It’s the second to last week of the semester and the good ole’ Lord knows I have been a bundle of emotions. Some of the time my mind screams “when will it all end?!” Other times, I break down and cry. And then there are the rare moments that I just find……

Peace.


peace noun | \ˈpēs\ : a state of tranquility or quiet; freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions


Call me a hippie or whatever, but until recently, I feel like I’d never known the true meaning of peace. I’ve used the word in so many senses but never truly understood what it meant for me. Peace, for me, is to be completely calm. No attachment to any thought, feeling, event, person, object, task, or idea. It is to just be. Here in the moment. Now. No fixation on anything in the past. No projection of the future. Peace is complete freedom and contentment with all of the world around you in this respective moment.

Not to say that these methods do not help, but I have learned that no amount of meditation, yoga class, self-help reads, green tea, deep breathing, hot baths, essential oils, or massages can bring peace… Unless you are truly and honestly willing to accept the moment for exactly how it is.

That moment could mean being stressed, heartbroken, ecstatic, devastated, confused, and so on… but peace is allowing these emotions and thoughts to flow freely and accepting them for what they are.

“Leave your front door and back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.” – Shunryu Suzuki

Peace is about acceptance…. of the present, and, ultimately, of ourselves.

Life

Embracing the Uncertainty of Life as a 20-Something

Long time no blog. 6 months, in fact. (Woops!) Life. Has. Been. Cray.

It is amazing how much we change and grow throughout life, but even more so as a young adult. As I sit here writing this post, I can most certainly say that 2017 has trekked me through some of the most uncomfortable and uncertain terrains I have ever experienced in life. Before I get into those, I will start with a little backstory.

Basically, from the time I came out of the womb until, well…recently, I have always been a planner – a perfectionist in the form of feeling like I could control life’s fortunate and unfortunate events. I have always been someone who sets my eyes on a goal/dream and doesn’t let it go: a go-getter, if you will. Being an only child probably had a huge influence on this facet of my personality. It is who I am. I always set my expectations high and refuse to settle… which leads to disappointment sometimes. A lot of times. Anyway, up until this point in life, I’d always attained most of what I wanted and hadn’t had too many setbacks. This semester, my perspective changed quite a bit.

I put my all into my application for nursing school and got rejected. My ex-fiance and I broke off our engagement. I almost lost my certification with my job by not reapplying by the deadline. And… all of this happened in a span of two months. It probably isn’t hard to believe that I felt like my life was falling apart. (Okay. I still feel this way.)

There are times where I randomly break down (even in public) feeling like a failure and being completely lost and confused as to what to do next. Should I continue pursuing nursing? Will I ever have the happy ending/relationship I desire? What if I never graduate college? What if I’m stuck with the job I have forever? These questions run through my head a lot of the time. It’s hard when all of your peers on social media seem to be doing so well… graduating college, working at their dream jobs, getting married and starting families, etc.

These obstacles have taught me to become okay with not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow and to just live full in the present; NOW. It wasn’t until recently that I actually understood that cliche idea of “you’ve got to struggle before you can get to where you want to be.”

My faith now is stronger than it’s ever been, thanks to uncertainty.